Divorce and The Fallout Afterward
Usually when two people marry they do wonderful things. They also make appalling mistakes. Good and bad experiences cause stress, regardless.
For some people, stress strengthens and enables their relationship to grow stronger and better. For others, stress stretches their ability to cope and they conclude that the problem must be that it is due to their marriage. That’s when the rationalizations start circling in their thoughts, such as: It was all wrong from the beginning – we weren’t really in love – the person that would have made me happy is still running around out there – if only I hadn’t… If only…if only.
Life is full of if only thinking, what if’s, why didn’t I’s, why did I’s and every other reason we can image of to excuse our bad behavior. Everyone does this. And yet, many of those wrong choices we choose, if we take a good hard look at them and put forth the right effort, actually bring about something better that wouldn’t have happened otherwise.
Continuing the making of wrong choices, though, can become like the proverbial jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. We see that a lot when there is a divorce and the now-single ones start looking for that dream guy/woman that they missed the first time around.
Do I ever suggest divorce? Rarely. In extreme cases, I tell wives – or husbands – to distance themselves, using necessary caution to protect themselves, and do what they can to get their spouses to seek out professional help. Those are cases of: flagrant physical abuse; serial sexual adultery (think Tiger Woods); deliberate emotional and mental cruelty; desertion, or insanity that endangers the family. Then if the ones they distanced themselves from decide to divorce, so be it.
If people are normal, however, divorce usually is one of the worst choices that they can make, for several reasons:
1) The fact that they once loved each other enough to promise to stay together no matter what, means that their love can be rekindled and their marriage saved. That’s assuming that they know how to accomplish it. We’ve gone into that in great detail in our books and other material written for men and women. We’ve seen many marriages saved and healed as a result.
2) Third and fourth marriages have a far less chance of survival than first marriages. The participants are attracted to the same type of person, essentially, and still haven’t learned the basic lessons for making a marriage superb.
3) No matter how you rationalize it to make yourself feel better, the truth is: children of divorce always suffer, both seen and unseen, that I can’t begin to touch upon them here.
4) Extended family suffers, as well. The awkwardness that comes from families that are torn apart causes heartache and lots of problems.
5) Both parties suffer a great deal of emotional distress, one way or another. Marriage makes two people one, according to the Bible, and when a split occurs, even if it’s a miserable union, it’s as if half of you has been ripped out of your life.
6) Money problems are multiplied, whether you are wealthy or not. Here are a few examples:
Chris’s wife talked him into giving her the lion’s share of what he had so that he had trouble buying gas to get to work.
Sarah listened to her sneaky plea to move to the same state he resided in, to be closer to their children. She moved to the same state and because community property is not recognized in that state, she lost her right to receive alimony. Suddenly she was without money and unable to get work.
Elin Nordegren reportedly received a huge settlement from Tiger Woods. Despite the fact that he made some huge mistakes that caused the divorce, it must sting, a lot. His golf game was affected, as well as his relationship with his children.
If you are contemplating divorce or are in the process, stop right now. Find out the motivation behind your feelings, and correct them. Even if you are in the throes of thrill with the prospect of having someone new, trust us when we say – the excitement is temporary – and you likely will come out feeling much worse in the end, eventually, than you do now. Let us help you save your marriage and make it better than ever.
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